Helping Siblings Adapt when Adding a New Baby to the Family

I’m so excited about this topic, today! Our family welcomed a new baby five short months ago and the preparation I did with my big girls for baby #3 was much more extensive and helpful than how I prepared my first daughter when her little sister was born. That’s not to say things were perfect as we still rocked their world with a new baby, but I do find that they were as ready as they could be for the change.

Before Baby’s Arrival: Prepare! 

I did NOT do a good job of this with baby number two. I barely prepared my oldest for the arrival of her baby sister.

HAHA - Don’t do that.

Some things you can do to help prepare your toddler or bigger kid for a new baby are to read books about babies, show them babies when you are out, and generally, just TALK about what’s going on in your body and how your family will have a new member soon. Show them the ultrasound pictures and show them the ‘size’ of baby on your expecting apps. Help them feel kicks and talk to baby in your belly. Have them help pick out some new clothes for baby and talk about what baby will look like and what you’ll name baby. I was pregnant over Christmas, so Santa even brought the kids books about babies and becoming big sisters.

Coming home from hospital; give a gift ‘from’ baby: 

Personally, I found this day very emotional. Having a baby born during Covid restrictions meant my big girls couldn’t visit us and see me or meet their baby brother, and we unexpectedly had to stay longer in the hospital. But, one thing I did to prepare for our homecoming was buy a small gift for each of the girls for their baby brother to ‘give’ them. After hugs and kisses, I snuck off to the bedroom to nurse and set out their gifts, then called them into the room, and surprise! I do think this helped set the tone that their baby brother loves them so much even though right now he is so small and extremely needy. ;-)

Don’t evict a toddler from their sleep space or if you must, do it EARLY

Many parents think they need to move their toddler out of their crib when they are expecting a new baby. I recommend avoiding this if possible. If your reasoning for moving your toddler is that you need the crib for baby, look into alternatives!

Can you use a bassinet for baby to start? A pack n’ play? Borrow a crib from a friend? Buy a cheaper, used one from a child’s resale store?

Often, our toddlers aren’t at an age that they are emotionally ready for a big-kid bed, so keeping them in their familiar crib can be so helpful. It’s also not always the best message to send that they have to give up their cozy bed for their new sibling, when they are also going to be giving up significant time/attention that they are used to. If your older is child is truly ready to move out of their crib, give plenty of time before baby arrives to make the change by doing it at least 2 months before baby’s arrival. If you are making this change at some point after baby is born, try to wait at least 2 months on the other end to do so. This gives them time to adapt, while also avoiding the message that we are doing this because ‘our new baby needs your bed.’

Avoid Blaming Baby

Sometimes, the reason you can’t go to the playground or do something with your older child is because the baby needs help going to sleep or you need to breastfeed or some other need for the baby. Try not to tell your child that those are the reasons you can’t do things, as hearing that too much can lead to feelings of resentment for them. Instead of telling them that you can’t build legos with them because you need to feed baby, say something like “I can’t build with you right now, but in 10 minutes, I will play legos with you.” 

Enlist Their Help

Children LOVE to feel needed. Have them help you as much as possible and as much as they would like to with their new sibling. Have them grab you diapers, wipes, or new clothes during changes. They can turn on the swing when baby needs a nap, or grab the remote when you watch something together while feeding the baby. Helping you gives your child a sense of purpose which makes them feel good!

Carve Out One-On-One Time

This one is so hard, especially in those early weeks. A newborn’s needs are physically so demanding. However, it is so helpful for your older children to still get some one-on-one time with you. Even if you are wearing baby, spend some time coloring with them. If you are nursing, spend time reading with them. When possible, hand your baby off to the other parent or another caretaker and spend 10 minutes connecting with your older child(ren). Even TEN minutes can be enough to refill their connection bucket. 

Have Patience

This is a monumental change for you and your child(ren). Expect new tantrums, ‘regressions,’ and otherwise out-of-the ordinary behavior from your older child as they adjust to this change. Be patient with them, validate and allow them to feel their feelings while still holding the boundaries you’ve set in your family.

Sleep Specific Tips

Again, it’s not unusual to see some ‘regressions’ or new pushback with your typical boundaries, and that can include with sleep! Continue with the healthy boundaries you have set - although your child may act like they don’t like it, knowing you mean what you say helps them to trust that everything is as it should be. If you find yourself sliding into habits that are unsustainable long-term for your family (laying down with your child or sitting with them until they fall asleep and through every wakeup, for example), it’s absolutely ok!

When you are ready - go back to basics. 

Make sure their routines and timing are in place, and return to your original sleep teaching method to get through those times. If your child is 2 or older, consider having a family meeting to discuss the expectations, using a sleep rules poster to show the expectations, bring out the bedtime pass, re-introduce the toddler clock, and/or rewards!

Every child is different with how they adapt to a change like this. Some sail through it without appearing to be phased at all and others really show that they are struggling.

Are you preparing to welcome a new baby soon? Have you done so recently? Let me know in the comments!

Are you are facing new sleep challenges with your older child since welcoming baby? Have you always struggled with your child’s sleep? Reach out! We can schedule a free introductory call so we can discuss your situation and the services I offer to bring sleep back to your entire family.