Dealing with Toddler or Preschooler Bedtime Battles & Delay Tactics? Introduce a Bedtime Pass!

Is your toddler or preschooler pulling out all the excuses in the book at bedtime? Coming out of their room over and over? Maybe they suddenly want to tell you aaaaallll about their day or have so many questions for you about yours. Then, it’s time to introduce the bedtime pass! The bedtime pass is a great tool to help kids 3 and up stay in their beds after bedtime. It helps gives them some control and autonomy over their decisions.

What is it?

The bedtime pass is your child’s free ticket for an excused departure from their room or an extra visit from mom or dad at bedtime. You can make it very simply with an old postcard or you can pull out all the bells and whistles and get creative.

-Make it look like an admissions ticket - allow your child to decorate it with you

-Laminate it

-It could even be a specific toy instead of a pass - just make sure it isn’t something that they will have trouble ‘giving up’ if they use it

The pass is good for one visit out of their room or for one extra visit from mom or dad after bedtime. It can be for any simple reason - an extra trip to the potty, for an extra cuddle, to ask you a question, etc. If your child uses the pass, remind them that they must then stay in their room the rest of the night.

Anytime your child leaves the room after using the pass, you silently guide them back to bed/their room, with no talking or eye contact.

Anytime your child calls for you after using the pass, you implement your response method of choice, whether that is ignoring the calls or returning after waiting specific lengths of time to return JUST to remind them that you are near & that they can go to sleep.

Sounds simple enough - Does it work?

In multiple separate studies, the bedtime pass was shown to reduce bedtime resistance in children aged 3 to 10. I LOVE the bedtime pass and think it absolutely is an effective tool in our parenting toolbox. However, we as parents still need to lay the foundation and groundwork to have these tools be successful with our littles.

How to set your child up for success with the bedtime pass…

The bedtime pass isn’t an end-all-be-all-fix; we still want to cover all the bases with regards to your child’s sleep needs.

-Are they going to bed early enough, so as to avoid becoming overtired? Children ages 3-5 need 10-13 hours of sleep over a 24-hour period. Many kids in this age range thrive with a daily nap, or at least, some midday-quiet time.

-Do you have a consistent bedtime routine to help your child prepare for sleep? Keep your phone away during the routine, this is a wonderful time for you to spend connecting with your child after a busy day. The bedtime routine is also a great opportunity to give your child some of the control they desire - i.e. they can pick the pajamas they wear or the book you will read them.

-Do you prepare your child for beginning the bedtime routine or thrust it on them? Children struggle with abrupt changes. Especially when that change, in their mind, involves ending something fun (playing) to begin something boring (sleep). I always recommend that parents either use a timer or give a short countdown before transitioning to bedtime. “In four minutes, we will go put our pajamas on and get ready for bed” goes a long way with our littles.

-Are you consistent with holding the boundaries you’ve set around bedtime? We don’t want to get into a negotiation at bedtime with our child, children take comfort when they know what to expect from us. Consistency is key!

The Family Meeting

It’s not enough to just break out the bedtime pass one night, we want to bring our kids into the conversation about sleep and explain to them exactly what the bedtime pass is and how it works! Hold a short family meeting where you discuss the importance of sleep and how you will begin using the bedtime pass. Tell them what will happen if they come out of their room after using their pass. Here is an example script of what you could say to your child during a family meeting (adjust if your bedtime battle is them calling you back into the room) :

“I’ve noticed that your body has been having a difficult time staying in bed at bedtime, so I have of an idea for us! We are going to make a special pass for you to have near your bed every night. After mommy or daddy has put you to bed, you can use the pass for one free trip out of the room. You could use it for an extra trip to the potty or for an extra hug from mommy or daddy. If you use your pass, you have to give it to mommy or daddy and then stay in bed the rest of the night. If you come out of your room after using the pass, mommy and daddy will walk you back to bed without talking to you, because it’s sleep time and we don’t want to wake your body up.”

After the family meeting, you can decorate the pass with them. You can even role play during the day how the pass will work. At the beginning, I can almost guarantee that your child will not only use their pass, but also possibly come out of the room/call for you after using the pass. This is where consistency comes in and you follow through with what you told them would happen during the family meeting.

Rewards/Sticker Charts

Typically, I’m not a fan of reward charts to improve sleep with our children. At the toddler/preschool age, we want our child to have an intrinsic motivation for sleep as opposed to an extrinsic one. However, some children really thrive with a reward chart. An example of using a reward with the bedtime pass is letting them know that if they don’t use their pass and also stay in bed all night without calling out, they can hand it in the next morning for a reward or a sticker towards a reward.

If you decide to use a reward system with the bedtime pass, it’s important to keep that reward tied to sleep. For example - instead of getting a treat, their reward could be a dance party because you all have extra energy from a good night of sleep. Or if you are using a sticker chart towards a bigger reward, it could be towards a trip to the pool or a special bike ride and outing (seeing the theme here? The reward is tied to the extra energy the whole family has for sleeping well).

The bedtime pass is truly great, it gives you a tool as parents, while also giving your child some control over their bedtime behavior. As stated earlier, though, it’s not THE fix - it’s a tool to be used in conjunction with boundaries, consistency, connection, and love.

What about you? Do you have bedtime battles with your littles? Have you tried a bedtime pass? Let me know in the comments!

If you feel like you could use more guidance and support while getting bedtime, overnights, and/or early mornings under control with your toddler or preschooler, check out how I can help! Better yet, book a free intro call with me to discuss how we can work together to bring sleep back for your family!