6 Tips for Navigating Separation Anxiety & Sleep with your Baby or Toddler
Although it is a normal part of infant development, separation anxiety can cause some bumps in the road with regards to your child’s sleep. Signs of separation anxiety can include your baby or toddler being upset when you put them down, drop them off with a caretaker, or leave the room. It can feel challenging and stressful for everyone, but ultimately it’s another sign of your baby progressing developmentally.
Why do we see separation anxiety occur?
Your baby realizes now that even though they can’t something, it still exists. This is called object permanence and it’s another developmental milestone for your child.
When do we usually see separation anxiety in our babies?
We can usually see object permanence understood in our babies between 4-7 months, but most baby’s bouts of separation anxiety occur between 8-10 months and sometime around 18 months.
What can you do to help your child through these bouts of separation anxiety while holding onto their strong sleep habits?
Below, I have 6 tips for you to help navigate separation anxiety with your baby or toddler without compromising their independent sleep skills.
1. Consistent Routine
Babies and toddlers thrive on consistent patterns and routines. It helps them to feel some control when they know what is coming in their day. If you don’t already use a calm, soothing routine before naps and bedtime, please start! If you have one in place, don’t change it up now.
When you are seeing separation anxiety, it’s more important than ever to utilize your soothing routines before each sleep period. It can even help to make your naptime and bedtime routines just a little bit longer, spending some extra time connecting with your little one and preparing them for sleep before putting them down.
2. Daytime Separation Practice
It can help ease feelings of separation anxiety by practicing separating during the daytime. I encourage doing this early on as well, instead of waiting for separation anxiety to hit.
You can turn separation into a game by playing peekaboo with your little one.
Narrating your departure during brief separations during the day can also help. For example, if you are with your baby or toddler in one room, but need to grab something from another you can say:
“You are in the living room looking at books, I am going over to the kitchen to get a glass of water.”
Upon return:
“I am back from the kitchen and you are still looking at your books!”
I also encourage spending some time awake time playing in the bedroom or in the crib to continue to create a positive association for your child with their sleep space.
3. Provide Extra Comfort while Avoiding Unsustainable Habits
Like noted above, it can be helpful to make your soothing routines before sleep periods a little longer as you navigate your child’s separation anxiety. And if you feel like your child needs some extra comfort during the night, of course tend to them to validate their feelings, let them know you are nearby and remind them that they are capable of sleeping on their own.
“I know this is hard and you want mommy to stay, but you can go to sleep and I will see you in the morning!”
It is a time to be mindful, however, as what can start as some extra comfort can turn into a new pattern or habit for your little one. If your child already knows how to fall asleep on their own, I recommend avoiding habits that you don’t feel like you can sustain longterm (rocking to sleep, bringing your toddler into your bed, etc.).
4. Avoid Sneaking & Have Confidence in your Child
Sneaking away can actually make things worse for your child’s experience with separation anxiety. If your child learns that you are going to sneak away after they fall asleep, it can cause them to have a harder time falling asleep while they continuously make sure you are still there. This goes for the daytime too - when separating during the day, such as at daycare, it’s still best not to sneak away. We want your child to see that you believe they can do it, by smiling and saying goodbye.
Our children mirror what we show them we believe about them. I tell all of my clients that the last thing I want their child to see when they leave the room at bedtime or naptime is their smiling face, confidently telling their child goodnight and that they love them and they will see them in the morning. We want to show our children that we are confident in their ability to handle this separation. By doing this consistently, your child will begin to believe about themselves what you are showing them, that they are capable.
5. Revisit the Daytime Schedule
Althought this doesn’t have to do with separation anxiety, the daytime schedule can contribute to changes in sleep. Around 8 months old is when we often see the transition from 3 naps to 2. And for the littles that are close to 18-months old, we are often seeing the shift from 2 naps to 1. So, it can be a good time to take a look at your child’s sleep schedule and see if their daytime sleep needs are being met.
In order to avoid overtiredness and protect nighttime sleep, anytime babies skip or drop a nap, it is SO important to compensate with an earlier bedtime during the transition (and YES, I’m talking as early as 5:30 p.m., temporarily). When shifting to two naps, I typically recommend baby being awake 3-3.5 hours maximum before bed.
6. Keep perspective
It’s so hard to hear our children cry or see them upset. But, sometimes, the best thing we can do for them is to keep things in perspective. For example, if our child is upset at daycare drop-off, we wouldn’t take multiple days off work to avoid the tears. If your child goes through a phase of being really upset in the carseat, we don’t allow them to ride unbuckled.
It can be helpful to remember that at nighttime as well. We don’t want to drop everything and start habits we can’t sustain due to this developmental phase. We want to remind them that they are loved, trust that they are capable, and help them through these developmental milestones with consistency and care.
